New Year Resolutions - Made to be broken?

As a new year approaches our thoughts turn to resolutions - often with dread. There are things about ourselves we don't like and we beat ourselves up over them. We remember so well the promises we made to ourselves in the past; repeatedly breaking the same promises of losing weight, getting fitter and healthier, successful and wealthier.

It's clearly a sign of madness to repeat the same action and expect a different outcome.

Here's my suggestion to you -

Stop using new year resolutions as a way to punish yourself and choose reward yourself instead.

Choose ONE thing and do it well.

Do something NEW.

Here's a list of 'P' words to help you along.

PERSONAL - your resolution should be self motivated, not something you are doing for or because of someone else. (Wii fit thinks I should lose a stone, I think my weight is OK, not perfect but OK!). Likewise, your motivation needs to be your personal satisfaction in keeping to your resolution, not praise or recognition from others.

PUBLIC - tell your friends, your colleagues, your family. Remind yourself. Write your resolution down and stick up where you will see it every day - by your computer, next to your bed, on the fridge, opposite the toilet! Add it to your facebook profile.

POSITIVE - use positive language like my target weight is x stones (not' I want to lose weight'), I will eat fruit for pudding (not 'I won't eat biscuits for pudding').

POSITIVE - (positivity is very important) Choose something that you know will make a positive impact on your life, even in a small way. Teach yourself how fulfilling your resolution is a good thing, not a grudge.

SPECIFIC - (OK, so that one starts with 'S', you do need to be flexible) If you want to become fitter, how fit? How will you know you have reached your goal? If you say you want to earn more money, that is easily achieved by doing one car boot sale. You will let yourself off the hook if your resolution is vague and you can fob yourself off.

PERSPECTIVE - try it on for size, is it realistic and achievable, or are you asking too much? Visualise yourself as you move towards your goal and really see what it will be like to get there, how it will feel, how good you will feel. Does it sound good?

PLANNING - How, where, when and what are you SPECIFICALLY going to to make this happen? Include in your planning your first step and the last step.

PIT STOP - give yourself some stepping stones; a series of small steps is so much easier, and possible, than one huge leap.

PRAISE - Recognise everything you do that gets you closer to your goal. You can use stepping stones to mark your progress and have rewards along the way. (Keep them in proportion - a trip to the cinema when you've done 20 minutes of study is so wrong!)

PERFECTION - expect to 'go off piste' sometimes, go back to your PLAN! Manage your expectations and remember your PLAN and your PIT STOPS.

What will happen if you succeed?

What will happen if you don't?

You probably think this post is about you!

Do you get upset by things people say to you?

Think about a blunt comment made by a friend or colleague which has put your nose out of joint. You are upset because when you think about the comment, you are thinking only about yourself and your circumstances. It is possible however that the other person is actually too interested in themselves to think of ways to deliberately upset you!

It's not an event or a remark that makes you unhappy, It's the way you choose to interpret it. You make yourself upset.

Getting upset by external factors - other people, the weather, the establishment - is a choice made by people who irrationally give their importance to others too much weight. This leaves them stuck in a way of thinking that puts responsibility for their happiness in the hands of others. If this post IS about you, you could be making yourself unhappy.
You may think that not getting upset this lets offensive people off the hook - so let's re-frame. Instead of blaming others for our unhappiness let's get rid of irrational self talk and investigate how we were were able to make ourselves so unhappy about someone else's actions.
Look out for and identitfy trigger issues, notice the feelings you get and the thoughts running through your mind:
- What really made you unhappy?
- What are you telling yourself?
- What questions are you asking yourself?
Now is the time to decide to take a positive step and change it round.

Think now about these questions: How do you feel if...
you don't get an invitation to a party you were hoping for?
- Do you feel that you were deliberated excluded from the party, or do you think that perhaps there were limited numbers?
your report or suggestion isn't accepted without criticism?
- Do you feel despondent that you aren't valued, or do you focus on the parts of your report that were accepted and see an opportunity to improve the rest?
you get splashed by a passing car driving through a puddle?
- Do you feel targetted, or do you assume that some car drivers are careless?
it rains when you were planning a BBQ?
- Do you say, "The weather always does this to me!", or do you think that the chance of rain is just a part of living in Britain?

Because you don't get a perfect response or outcome does not mean you shouldn't bother or that the world is against you. Look for a positive; surround yourself with people who care about you and share your values. Assume that there is a positive reason behind all behaviour and forgive yourself and others for not being perfect.

The role of peace and hope in happiness

There are so many factors that contribute to happiness, many of which depend upon how you think and act NOW in the present. But this post is about the past and the future.
Can you be happy now if you are haunted by events from the past? If you are traumatised by stressful events from your childhood - or even last month? Or if you have unresolved issues or relationships that impact on your current actions and relationships.
Can you imagine being happy now if you are worried about what will happen in the future? This includes events that you know will happen and you are worried about how you will cope with them, for example, or events that you fear may happen.

Happiness now depends upon being at peace with past - including forgiving yourself and others.
Happiness now depends upon having hope for the future.

Don't shut the skeletons of anger, sadness, fear, guilt, regret and hurt in your emotional closet. The effort of keeping them under lock and key is draining and stressful. Re-frame the negative emotions and events, or work out a way of seeing them from a more positive perspective. The negativity isn't helpful to you now. The negative stuff from the past weighs you down and the negative way you are viewing the future is holding you back. Doing this is not always straightforward so I will address reframing and belief change in future posts.

Negative emotions can always be overrided by positive ones, and here is one way of accessing authentic happiness from your memories. A more involved version of this process is used to permanently remove negative emotions from events. For now, though, let's focus on savouring a happy memory.

Think of a specific happy memory in the past. Close your eyes and imagine yourself floating up above yourself, up above your present self. Imagine all your memories are arranged along a line - like a railway - going into the past in one direction and your future stretched out in the other. Your line could be straight, V-shaped, curved and at any angle. Now, still high above your time line, float back to the memory you have identitfied. Float there as long as like, view the scene through your own eyes, soak up all you could see, hear and feel, enjoy the positive emotions and float back to now along your time line.

You are what you think

We can develop this idea further but essentially your thoughts and the environment you surround yourself with impacts on your emotional wellbeing and energy.
Feeling low? Remind yourself of times you were truely happy, watch a favourite DVD, listen to music with positive associations and great memories.
Numerous studies show that even reading a list positive or negative words affects you. Derron Brown and Richard Wiseman (Quirkology) have both demonstrated this on their TV shows.

"Your persistent thoughts become your reality"

Surround yourself with positive people; reframe negative situations to look for the proverbial silver cloud; listen out for, and challenge, your own negativity. How do you choose to influence your mood and energy levels?

What makes me happy?

What is happiness and how can you become happy?
Is it the absence of want?
Is it contentment?
Doing something you love?
Being absorbed?
Creativity?
People often know what they don't want, they have got to know their problems and dislikes very well but don't know what they do want. With nothing positive to aim for it is all too easy to get stuck in the misery of what is wrong and see happiness as something lost or only for others.

Things I love make me happy
thinking about things I love makes me happy

Sun, sand, waves
Woodland, meadows, birdsong
land art, baking, painting, drawing
camping, dancing, spinning poi
parties, friends, family
learning new things
gratitude, fun, joy, awe and wonder

Walking into happiness

At a happiness talk I experienced 'walk innovation' - a process developed by Adam Shaw, experienced in nursing, Reiki, NLP and more!

The process involves five steps:
Grounding, Breathing, Focus, Gratitude, Being Present

In groups of three we walk and breathe and focus on gratitude - What do you really love?
Observing the other two in my group was great while I focused just on my breathing and getting grounded, questioning someone I didn't know about what made them happy was wonderful.
My 'questioner' discovered that I love nature, beauty, beaches, long hot summers, rolling waves, exhileration, creating things, having friends and family with me, being appreciated, and candy floss.
I got quite excited by candy floss because I was really focused on what I loved about it, it's associations in memories and positive emotions. I surprised myself (another positive emotion!) and left measureably happier and more energetic than when I arrived.