Friday 20 July 2007

How to make your children happy! Part 2: Don't Say NO!

Let's think about this one for a moment...don't say know to your children! That sounds a bit dangerous, doesn't it! And doesn't that stand counter to my previous advise about praise?

Here's when not to say no:
When it inconveniences you.
When you could say yes but 'no' seems easier.
When you could offer an alternative - a positive choice.
When you might say yes later.

Here's why you shouldn't say no:
No implies danger and restriction.
No ends things.
There is no activity with 'no'.
No is an empty world with no possibilities.
If your child always hears no from you, they will expect a no when they encounter new stuations.
No teaches you nothing and denies experience and learning.

Save 'no' for danger.

Tuesday 17 July 2007

Make love your golden rule

Ask yourself:

'Does love drive this decision or behaviour of mine?'

If you can answer 'Yes'
you can't go wrong, can you?

Thursday 12 July 2007

How to make your children happy! Part 1: Praise

Give your child 100% unconditional positive regard will make them happy
err no!
Constant unmittigated praise is as likely to produce insecure emotionally unhealthy individuals as constant criticism.
Persistant praise makes for a passive child. Why bother when you'll be praised all the time whatever you do or don't do? however well or pooorly you have performed?
Why listen to your parents when you really need praise (or an opinion) when your parent appears to not be capable of making a judgement or holding a valid opinion?
A child cannot learn from failures or successes in that environment.

100% unconditional love warmth and affection - that's another matter...
We all need that! And an environment of positive emotion will produce a secure individual.

Conditional praise, praise that fits the circumstance or achievement, may lead to disappointment sometimes but means your children don't become helpless. They learn their actions have an impact on themselves and others and you, as a parent, have credibility.

Friday 6 July 2007

Outcome focused therapy and coaching

I had an interesting discussion with someone who has been on an introduction to counselling course and is now regularly seeing a counsellor. He sees a counsellor every month to deal with issues relating to his childhood which he believes is holding him back now. He said that they quite often revisit the same themes or events - which was good, he thought. And 'it was helping' but would take along time.
I asked if there was any objective or purpose set out either at the beginning of the counselling process or at each session, there isn't. I asked what he was hoping to get out of the process - the answer was understanding, but that was vague (understanding who, what, why?) , he thought if he understood, he could move forward, but there appears to be no strategy for dealing with the future, or any idea when that would happen.

How can you tell if it 'is helping' if you don't have a stated outcome?

Which of these scenarios is a better strategy for planning a holiday?
1 - Would you decide to go on holiday and book a taxi without a destination in mind?
2 - Would you ask a travel agent to recommend a holiday detination and take their advice that first you should go back to all the holidays you had been on that were not enjoyable and come back after each one to see how you feel about them.
3 - Would you ask a travel agent to recommend a holiday destination and take their advice that you should look at what you have enjoyed in the past, what you enjoy doing now, what you want to achieve from you holiday and what resources you have to get there. And set a plan for a holiday with that information.

I prefer to work with people by looking at why and how their emotional needs are not being met NOW. This can be due to negative emotions attached to events of the past weighing them down; limiting beliefs and limiting decisions based on emotional reactions to events or experiences in the past or internal conflicts.
Using NLP, Time Line Therapy and EFT negative emotions can be removed from the past, removing all the effort your mind uses to keep them under wraps and letting you use that energy in a positive way.
We can't change events that have happened but we can change how we feel about them NOW - and without spending years or months analysing those events.
Having removed negative emotions and beliefs we are now in a position to look to the future, remove anxiety and set positive, compelling goals and then work back from the future, to 'now', to see how those goals can be achieved.

With NLP the point is, there are strategies and tools we can use to create big results, quickly. It doesn't have to take years, and it doesn't have to hurt to work!
A journey to Cornwall on the M4-M5 in a modern family car, with SAT_NAV, takes about 5 hours from London. If you were to have taken that journey by pushbike, without a map, in 1907 it would take considerably longer, you may have got lost along the way and would have been much more uncomfortable.

You get more of what you focus on - if you are constantly looking for problems and obstacles you will find them. If you are loooking at what results you want and how you can get them - you will find a way!