Martin Luther king Day, 16th January 2012

“Those not looking for happiness are most likely to find it...those searching forget that happy is to seek happiness for others.” -MLK Jr.

Mitzvahs

I am currently training to be a teacher and that is why this blog has gone quiet. I have, decided to use the blog to record my efforts as I seek out ways to practice kindness towards others.
In the Jewish community I think this is called a mitzvah. In secular society the random acts of kindness foundation and Danny Wallace's JoinMe advocate similar things. Being kind and showing love to your neighbour is a familiar Christian concept.
Apparently this change in behaviour will have a positive impact on me too. So to help others, and recieve the gift of giving, this is my new years resolution: to actively and consciously do at least one act of kindness a day.
Don't get me wrong - I don't consider myself 'unkind', but there's always room for improvement!
 I will post when I have time and remember.

As a starter I have found the local supermarket a great source of potential recipients, from the old lady who can't find the pudding rice and chasing after her when I found it; to giving money off coupons from the tills to shoppers I pass on my way out of the shop. I expect some mitzvahs will become regular but I shall try to find new ones too.

You probably think this post is about you!

Do you get upset by things people say to you?

Think about a blunt comment made by a friend or colleague which has put your nose out of joint. You are upset because when you think about the comment, you are thinking only about yourself and your circumstances. It is possible however that the other person is actually too interested in themselves to think of ways to deliberately upset you!

It's not an event or a remark that makes you unhappy, It's the way you choose to interpret it. You make yourself upset.

Getting upset by external factors - other people, the weather, the establishment - is a choice made by people who irrationally give their importance to others too much weight. This leaves them stuck in a way of thinking that puts responsibility for their happiness in the hands of others. If this post IS about you, you could be making yourself unhappy.
You may think that not getting upset this lets offensive people off the hook - so let's re-frame. Instead of blaming others for our unhappiness let's get rid of irrational self talk and investigate how we were were able to make ourselves so unhappy about someone else's actions.
Look out for and identitfy trigger issues, notice the feelings you get and the thoughts running through your mind:
- What really made you unhappy?
- What are you telling yourself?
- What questions are you asking yourself?
Now is the time to decide to take a positive step and change it round.

Think now about these questions: How do you feel if...
you don't get an invitation to a party you were hoping for?
- Do you feel that you were deliberated excluded from the party, or do you think that perhaps there were limited numbers?
your report or suggestion isn't accepted without criticism?
- Do you feel despondent that you aren't valued, or do you focus on the parts of your report that were accepted and see an opportunity to improve the rest?
you get splashed by a passing car driving through a puddle?
- Do you feel targetted, or do you assume that some car drivers are careless?
it rains when you were planning a BBQ?
- Do you say, "The weather always does this to me!", or do you think that the chance of rain is just a part of living in Britain?

Because you don't get a perfect response or outcome does not mean you shouldn't bother or that the world is against you. Look for a positive; surround yourself with people who care about you and share your values. Assume that there is a positive reason behind all behaviour and forgive yourself and others for not being perfect.

The role of peace and hope in happiness

There are so many factors that contribute to happiness, many of which depend upon how you think and act NOW in the present. But this post is about the past and the future.
Can you be happy now if you are haunted by events from the past? If you are traumatised by stressful events from your childhood - or even last month? Or if you have unresolved issues or relationships that impact on your current actions and relationships.
Can you imagine being happy now if you are worried about what will happen in the future? This includes events that you know will happen and you are worried about how you will cope with them, for example, or events that you fear may happen.

Happiness now depends upon being at peace with past - including forgiving yourself and others.
Happiness now depends upon having hope for the future.

Don't shut the skeletons of anger, sadness, fear, guilt, regret and hurt in your emotional closet. The effort of keeping them under lock and key is draining and stressful. Re-frame the negative emotions and events, or work out a way of seeing them from a more positive perspective. The negativity isn't helpful to you now. The negative stuff from the past weighs you down and the negative way you are viewing the future is holding you back. Doing this is not always straightforward so I will address reframing and belief change in future posts.

Negative emotions can always be overrided by positive ones, and here is one way of accessing authentic happiness from your memories. A more involved version of this process is used to permanently remove negative emotions from events. For now, though, let's focus on savouring a happy memory.

Think of a specific happy memory in the past. Close your eyes and imagine yourself floating up above yourself, up above your present self. Imagine all your memories are arranged along a line - like a railway - going into the past in one direction and your future stretched out in the other. Your line could be straight, V-shaped, curved and at any angle. Now, still high above your time line, float back to the memory you have identitfied. Float there as long as like, view the scene through your own eyes, soak up all you could see, hear and feel, enjoy the positive emotions and float back to now along your time line.

What makes me happy?

What is happiness and how can you become happy?
Is it the absence of want?
Is it contentment?
Doing something you love?
Being absorbed?
Creativity?
People often know what they don't want, they have got to know their problems and dislikes very well but don't know what they do want. With nothing positive to aim for it is all too easy to get stuck in the misery of what is wrong and see happiness as something lost or only for others.

Things I love make me happy
thinking about things I love makes me happy

Sun, sand, waves
Woodland, meadows, birdsong
land art, baking, painting, drawing
camping, dancing, spinning poi
parties, friends, family
learning new things
gratitude, fun, joy, awe and wonder

Walking into happiness

At a happiness talk I experienced 'walk innovation' - a process developed by Adam Shaw, experienced in nursing, Reiki, NLP and more!

The process involves five steps:
Grounding, Breathing, Focus, Gratitude, Being Present

In groups of three we walk and breathe and focus on gratitude - What do you really love?
Observing the other two in my group was great while I focused just on my breathing and getting grounded, questioning someone I didn't know about what made them happy was wonderful.
My 'questioner' discovered that I love nature, beauty, beaches, long hot summers, rolling waves, exhileration, creating things, having friends and family with me, being appreciated, and candy floss.
I got quite excited by candy floss because I was really focused on what I loved about it, it's associations in memories and positive emotions. I surprised myself (another positive emotion!) and left measureably happier and more energetic than when I arrived.

Why happiness is like sleep

If you follow my advice in an earlier post you will be writing a gratitude diary. By looking for anything positive outside of yourself - in others and in your environment your mindset will change for the better.

Many people say they just want to be happy and they search for 'happiness'.
Happiness is a little like sleep.
You may crave sleep, you may feel deprived of sleep, you do all you can to get sleep you make the environment suitable, you prepare your mind and your body for sleep but when sleep comes you are not aware you are experiencing it. When you wake, however, and have had a restful night you know this and you feel refreshed.

Seeking happiness as an entity in itself just won't work, there are certain factors which must be in place for happiness to happen. According to leading psychologist Martin Seligman, in order to be happy you need a mixture of three elements:

- Be happy about the past
Nurture positive emotions associated with the past. Look for these emotions in your memories - satisfaction, contentment, pride, serenity.
If this is hard for you, with timeline therapy, EFT, NLP and Hypnosis negative emotions can be released from painful memories, phobias and trauma and you can be shown how to add positive emotions in other areas.


- Be happy about the future
Create compelling goals for your future.
Nurture positive emotions of optimism, hope, confidence, trust and faith.
As for your past memories, events in your future can be seen as 'future memories' and treated in the same way.

- Be happy about the present
In the present happiness comes in two ways: pleasures and gratifications

Pleasures - things that give short bursts of pleasure like buying a treat, eating chocolate
They can be bodily and are momentary, sensory, subjective 'scrumptious'
Or they can be higher, more complex and learned but still momentary - offering bliss, thrills, excitement, fun, comfort and relaxation.

Now, these should be savoured as the pleasures are not long lasting and cannot be relied upon, or the temporary burst of pleasure will be sought over and over again with diminishing returns of pleasure. This spiral of behaviour can become compulsive, produce cravings and withdrawal symptoms, leading to addictive behaviour in anything from watching TV, browsing the internet, to shopping, eating, smoking, drug taking, gambling and even exercising. Addiction and all compulsive behaviours begin when certain emotional needs are not being met and can be 'busted' given the right help.

Gratifications - achieved through activities rather than feelings: rock climbing, reading, dance, good conversation.
Gratifications are activities that are absorbing., your self-consciousness id blocked and you actually feel no emotion while you are engaged in the activity, time flies by.
This state is called 'flow'.
Looking back at the activity you may think, 'Wow!' and feel positive emotions as you reflect on what you have done, while using and developing your personal strengths and resources.

Using your strengths in your life and work, recrafting your roles in both if necessary; ideally in the service of something larger than yourself and savouring the positive feelings from pleasures is how you can derive abundant gratification and authentic happiness.